It’s been 17 years since I wrote you….

On your 17th Death Anniversary, I made an effort to reach you or should I just say am missing you… Well, may reason be anything behind my letter, you just make sure you read this letter where ever you are, Mom..

It’s been 17 years you left us here, even without saying a bye. Since then life has changed, completely. I am no more a Badmash kid who gave nightmares to you, because all you left for me was Responsibilities. It was a roller coaster ride, fun & exhausting! Dad & angelic demon, I mean your beloved son, are same, as they were or as you left them. Also there is a surprise for you that I have younger one at home who is more than a son to me or my favourite toy which god sent exclusively for me; rather I must say your replacement. Are you wondering how did this happen? Hold on, am not married yet, am too young for marriage. He is your husband’s second wife’s son. Now don’t be mad at Dad, it was not his choice, he was in need of a partner to continue his journey, where u ditched him half a way. But he is an unlucky man or bitterly said as a mad wanderer who is still alone, poor guy was ditched again. She divorced him. But left a precious gift for us who holds us all together today. So that’s about us. Between how are u? What you doing? Are you still teaching? One thing am sure about, where ever you are you will be a rebel!

Time when you think of visiting us, don’t go to Hassan, no more we live there. Guess where we are? Bangalore! Finally we moved to this city after my graduation here. I work & have my own shelter here. Oh, are you thinking that I might be a doctor or an engineer. No Mom, not that!!!!! Am sorry, not even preparation for IAS. All I want to say is I am still a explorer, I don’t want to settle for small things.  And you will be shocked if I say am into cinema making & events. Also now hosting TV shows & people now recognize when I walk on streets. Ha ha! I know you are confused with my decisions in life; all I want to say is I just took life has it unfolded. Am just like you Mom, Tuff like a hurricane.

And please don’t ask about son’s carrier, He is just mad. One day he wants to be a hero, other day police & next day a business man.  Am tired of making him understand the importance of time. If possible you convey him the message in some way, but let me tell you that cute puppy face kid is now a grown up handsome Guy. His girl friend’s list continues & he mastered art of flirting. You know what, at least I remember talking to you & your scoldings but he has no memory of yours to live with… He misses u a lot!

Do you want to know how I look? If you have a mirror around, just look at yourself, that’s how I exactly look. Thank you for making me so beautiful. When I wear your saree & step out, dad sees me with teary eyes, thinking of you & says I just look like you. Hope you were here to see me growing… I always imagine you here & click pictures with matching clothes in my own dream world. Well, who knows we might just look like sisters then… I miss u & how?!

Things are not same & ravishing after u left us, it’s just been a battle field. Do you know when I missed you the most?… When I first learnt to wear a saree, When I performed on stage, when I wanted to learn cooking, When I got my first salary, When I First went to abroad on work, When a guy proposed me, When I go shopping alone, When I am recognised for work & good conduct and at all those happy times, because I have no one around to celebrate my win. I consoled myself in most of the times, imagining you within me. As a kid I definitely missed u for lollipops & Barbie dolls but I couldn’t handle your absence when I entered my teenage. You have no idea how I surpassed each day with changing body & mind set. I landed up being a coward fighter & an ugly duck. Can’t blame dad, because he gave all he had but I was in need of only one thing, that’s you, Mom! Just you! Somehow energy within me helped me to sail through situation & overcome the struggle. Later I realized The genes which you left in my body supplied me energy to face the storms. I don’t want to talk about those struggles I faced, I know no mother can take the pain in her daughter’s life, so let me keep my adventures ride to myself. What so ever situation was, I won them all & now I stand so strong that nothing can break me. Again after all, am your daughter, A rebel!

All right let me quickly give you latest updates about current scenario, We no more own that house which you bought, dad sold it. And school which dad started for you are now closed due to circumstances, I tried converting it to a factory but scarcity of water. Dad has lost lot of weight, I think you will not recognize if you see him now, He met with paralysis stroke so. None of us took your government job…. Oh, congratulation! You became grandmother long ago. Most of your nieces & nephews are parent now. Mine would be the next marriage in your family only if I make my mind. Your mother is not so well, she is losing her memory slowly. All your brothers & sisters are good. I am blessed with some great friends & mentors, who tried filling your absence. I am an entrepreneur, also planning to take up IAS exams as soon as Mithun takes house responsibilities.  Most interesting one is when I happen to meet your students accidently, they enquire about you, and nobody believes that you are no more, even after 17 years… That’s it….

You missed most important moments here, everyone remembers you in each celebration. I must say to you that your family took care of me & Mithun well, when you passed away. And Bhagya atte was there with us for some time. Also when I shifted to Bangalore for Graduation studies, Chikkamma helped a lot, she took care of me. So you don’t forget to thank them all.

Now I come to important matter of my letter, am tired of missing you & those silent nights tears rolling on my cheeks, am done with feeling helpless & left lonely, am sick of fighting alone & hiding my pain. People appreciate me for being self made & successful but I don’t want all those title at cost of loosing you. So you make sure you will compensate for the loss & make it up in our next birth. I am not letting you go anywhere in our next meet. Enough is enough you just can’t leave us & go, am eager to meet you soon. I have listened to so many stories about your hardships, cooking & teaching. Let time fly soon & we meet again.

Please convey my regards to both the grandfathers, am sure you three are together & having a good time.. Write a reply if possible.. Look forward to see you soon, you are being missed.. Love you.. bye..




I always wondered What is Love?? Is it deep desire for someone or something?? Is it that unconditional giving?? or just an attraction that lasts long??

We say mother’s LOVE is ultimate & we still try to find a perfect Love match beyond everything. We say ‘DAD is my first LOVE’ but we want a prince charming. We say I LOVE music & turn off the radio, if we don’t like the song. We also say I love God & Lie to our own self.. I always felt LOVE is often confused with Temporary perfect Pleasure, as we want more & new pleasure every time.

I may be wrong but deep in my thoughts I believe that LOVE is HALF BAKED, some times healthier & some times a disaster. How can one measure how much to love or to be loved?? Even when you are in love, you are lonely…. If you love yourself, you are selfish… If you love some one MORE than yourself, you are a fool.. & If you are not in love, you are a stone.. If I love ONLY one person, am selective & If I love many, am artificial… If I love my country then am patriot, if I love my planet am a boring social activist.. If LOVE is pure & ultimate then why are complications???

If she is married He can’t love her. Or if she loves a married Man, She is a dragon lady… So am not surprised to accept that LOVE is not free from attachments, compromises, selfishness, helplessness, sorrow, desire, unsatisfactory, doubts…

That is why I feel its half baked, you can eat but not digest.. I only remember that particular happiness which I found when I was lost in life yet tried discovering myself.. I felt good when I shared my food with a stranger.. I felt glad when I wandered in a distant land with a co traveler.. Because I never expected anything there.. But am sure, that was not LOVE for me.. because with love comes responsibility of being too much aware of someone else’s life.. I don’t want to be in love or to be loved.. Well, I just want to be HAPPY…..


Behind the Mask!!

Well.. it’s been long since I wrote something interesting. So let me throw light at one of the most beautiful experiences I had some months ago….

Coming from Film maker’s background or having experience of being amidst of stars, I am pretty used to their behave. They are just like Children who are happy in their fairy tale world. Having said that I meant they are just like us beneath the make-up. So I was never that star stuck Girl, who would love to be round them. But there are few ladies & gentlemen whom I worked with and some whom I want to work with, are my hot favourites because of the way they are or the way I am…

And one such personality is Ms. Divyanka Tripathi… there is a say -‘ you don’t have to eat whole bowl of rice to check weather its cooked or not’, it’s exactly how I felt when I first spoke to her. I happened to talk to her on an assignment which I wanted her to do for my company. I just wanted her or only her to do the assignment because of simple reason that she was very popular and I wanted to bet on winning horse, after everything, am a business woman. Later it didn’t work out as she was busy & I was running out of time. If it was someone else instead of Miss. Tripathi, the story would have seen “The End” at that point. But it leads to a beautiful journey there after…

I wanted to explore why is she is so popular and so busy that she couldn’t do an assignment for me, thus I started watching her show carefully, because am bad at handling ‘NO’. Though I used to see her show before, it was in bits & pieces. And now am in front of TV at sharp at 11.00 pm no matter what. Later I realized she was right because I became one among the major patients who were suffering from Divyanka’s magic on screen. She is an actress with versatility. I couldn’t resist myself from sending her appreciations. No matter whether she acknowledged it or not I kept sending her regards, I am a person who will give appreciations to even my enemies for playing their game well, so Compliments to Divyanka was unstoppable. Mostly what spiced up the whole event was me relating myself to her on screen character; rather I would say I was seeing myself in ‘Ishima’. She had ‘Ruhi’ in her life and I had my son there.

This went on for long time, exchange of wishes & regards kept flowing. There came a day when I was in Mumbai on work, my crazy sister was so adamant on sending gift to Divyanka with me, I had no choice except asking Divyanka to give an appointment to me, though I was not keen on meeting for obvious reason that I don’t like to meet an actress (no personal reasons but I am a person who appreciates the work and admire them) . But her gentle reply made me feel comfort and hence I reached her set. Shooting set is not something new to me, that am where I earned my bread & butter, so I just entered the room where this pretty woman was shooting but I couldn’t see her act. Later after 2 min, here she comes with a broad smile on her face saying ‘oh I never knew I was talking to such a pretty girl’!! & a gave warm hug. I had lot to say and lot to convey but her elegance made me go silent. A talkative like me who can sell ice to Eskimos had nothing to talk, what a positive vibe she emitted! Very few actresses have such aura around. We spoke little; exchanged some personal stories but I couldn’t be myself. I was driven away by her personality. That’s a different story that just before meeting her I had met with an accident and my mind was disturbed but after meeting her I felt good…. I realized being modest is not outdated!! Oh ya!! How can I forget that I wanted to click selfie with her just to prove to my sister that I met her? I knew I am going to meet her again & our association would go long so I was not keen on taking a pic with her. But with dual mind I asked her for a photo & she clicked one for me. She even asked if I need any photos with her co-actors, I know now you all know my answer to her and Y!!!!!

Just like our cinemas…  two months later…. I met her again but this time I had many reasons to meet her.. May it be that strange dream I had in my sleep where we both were in Tirupathi, to handover some goodies or to give regards as she was not well! I think more than all these I just wanted to meet her. Well, I consider those reasons as excuses to meet this lady!! It was a rainy day. I went to her shooting set again and there she was dressed in red, looked just flawless! That white big boot (plaster) on her leg looked devil yet she was very cheerful like nothing happened. We spoke for almost 2 hrs in between her shots. Down the lane some where we share a deep connection, most of our thoughts are similar but she is ahead of me in knowledge, mastery & experience. We spoke about spirituality, relationships, men in our life, work & industry and what not… but all I remember today is that we had a great time talking. Also I saw her performing, She is just too good & She is one take actress. Meanwhile I got a message from airlines that my flight is delayed due to heavy rain, she was kind enough to worry about my travel back to Bangalore. All these are still fresh in my mind & bring a curve on my lip when I recall the day.

Clicked during our second meeting…

Let me conclude the article while I write the actual article now.. Though I have met her twice, couple of phone calls & some messages, all I want to say is – Divyanka is one among those women who are called as “Women with Substance”. When I write about her I must quote that “Handle failure with dignity & very important is to handle success with right spirit, progress should not stop at one success or failure!!!” is what I learnt from her. Being in Industry for nearly a decade & still on top of charts wouldn’t have happened if she was not humble enough to handle the situation well, may it be good or bad. There is a say in Hindu Scripture which describes a perfect woman

1) Karyeshu Dasi: works like a servant

2) Karaneshu Mantri : advises like a minister

3) Bhojeshu Mata: feeds like a mother

4) Shayaneshu Ramba : Pleases like the heavenly beauty Rambha

5) Roopeshu Lakshmi : Beautiful like Goddess Lakshmi

6) Kshmayeshu Dharitri : Having patience like Earth

All these goes well Divyanka & am sure She will be a great life partner. Here I would love to add one more line when I talk about this lady in particular that is “Dairyeshu Durgi: Courageous like Ma Durga” ( Well, this is how I am called by a dear friend of mine & now I want Ms. Tripathi to own it)

Yes she is, if not for someone coming from a pious small town to being very famous actress, she has sure come a long way. And why not?! As a child, she showed shown some exceptional sensitivity towards learning and mankind. Mastering rifle shooting and honing her acting skills through anchoring, modeling et al, She is constantly improvised. She carved a niche in an industry where new-comers from a non-TV background are a blink and miss. she decisively bridged the gap of the Education – Acting and the Humanity and brought out the true meaning of actress. Through her journey, we would know, that the glitz and glamour industry, known more for the wrong reasons than the right, a world where women are seen as objects of pleasure, does have some good to it. Why? Because if it didn’t, then a common girl from a small town and a mediocre family, with morals and values, would have never made it big and how! Yet again I want to say she is proof that goodness is not outdated. Yet there are many virtues unknown, unheard, unexplored.

Time and again people ought to be reminded of the positive aspect to everything that exists. Thus, with Divyanka’s journey, I am attempting to ease the negativity and the taboo revolving around umpteen facets of life. When living examples like hers, do not reach, people are bound to see what they’ve always see – negative and believe what they always believe-negative. Unless they’re educated, they will never break the cocoon of negativity to emerge a butterfly of positivity.

Simply put, everything in this world deserves to have a bright side. So, let’s clean the cob-webs in the minds and make way for the light, shall we?!


To begin with…. Me and My Mistakes….

I never thought I would make courage to write down my mistakes. Well, when I have made my mind to write it down and accept, I will be truthful!!

My mistakes made me who I am today, no one else. My mistakes are my teacher, friend, guide and what not. As I did lots of experiments with my life, mistakes make as complimentary. Mistakes are made more when there is no body to guide and same was with me, I did them a lot because MOM ended her journey soon and DAD was busy finding his new love. So what was left was Me, Myself and My mistakes. NEVER MIND!!!!

My first mistake-  I said YES to others and NO to myself. 

Art of saying NO is very difficult to master. This mistake of mine affected my personality growth. One should always gently say NO when his or her inner peace is involved. At times, I said YES and failed to fulfill it, which ended in sour relationships. Not only me, the other person also paid huge loss because of my YES. This habit of mine was the root cause for most of the mistakes. I always put my ego in the front when some asks me for some work or help, instead of thinking “CAN I REALLY DO THAT”, which created void in my life. When I started telling NO most of the issues got sorted out without even causing damages. Yes I agree, the moment i said NO, people around hated me but am happy that they stood by me when they knew the fact. Same time its true or I must say this mistake of mine made me realize my strengths and my weakness.

I didn’t LOVE myself

It is not selfish to love yourself – It is must. When I realized I should make my happiness priority things started changing.When I was in my teenage I spent most of time thinking I am not good looking, I hated to pose for photos. This indirectly affected my behavior made a coward fighter. Feeling good about yourself is first step towards your progress. Because with out that spark, the fire in you wont ignite. After loosing lots of opportunities, I realized concept of good looking doesn’t come form having your head on your shoulder but it depends on how you portray yourself. Now its time to take care of myself. I truly started celebrating who I am and today people like for my confidence. When am happy, my works are more productive.I gave lots of them a chance to take me for granted and I had let down myself so many times in front of those who waited for chance to laugh at me. So my mistake of not making myself a priority took lot of good times from me. And when I  made my happiness has necessary, positive growth is seen and I am looked upon as the most confident women.

Apart from these two big mistakes I did several other mistakes which was like icing on cake.

I didn’t value my work

I didn’t make money

I didn’t use my father’s name

I didn’t hang out with friends

I didn’t care for my graduation certificates

I didn’t fall in love

I didn’t make time for leisure

I didn’t listen to those who call them experienced


Today when I sit back and count my mistakes, they occupy most of the space. What ever…. I just love my life, all those mistakes today stand as lessons to me. No university can teach me those lessons which my mistakes taught me. They guided me through my journey, I am person with rich experience and values today. So I call my mistakes as boons and I want all those people out there who are living in regrets come out and shout “ITS TIME FOR GUILT FREE LIFE” and learn from their mistakes. Life is all about living not regretting. Like me start seeing your mistakes as way to explore yourself and lead that wonderful life with no guilt. My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons are my assets.!!!!!